heart being squeezed.

another weekend being fully-utilized at home. surprisingly tak bosan. maybe i just needed the rest. bangun tido selambat yg mampu utk smlm n hari ni. hehe.

working life is currently not bad. not that it's fun. it's just not bad. ahah. partly becuz i still get to see my friends. i dunno why when i was doing my intern last year mcm takde jmp org pun. wlupn balik office hour mcm biasa. mungkin klcc tuh jauh. yer lar tu kot kan.

i dunno whether i shud write about this here. in fact i dunno what is the most appropriate way to help myself get through this.. i've got no one to turn to.. haih. do u know how does it feels like to dikecewakan berkali-kali? i'm not sure myself whether or not i have the right to feel disappointed. was it too much to ask to feel respected and appreciated?

when i said i couldnt stand this anymore. i meant it. mmg tak mampu dah. but to let go is also something i'm not capable of doing. how can anyone be so selfish and so hurtful towards their loved ones. i have always thought that i'm not a difficult person. ive tolerated so many things. but he just doesnt see it.

is he worth the wait?

i'm very aware that he's treating me sesuka hati. i'm not stupid. but it's hard to let go.. i refuse to give up hope.. but it's so hard to bertahan as well.. :'(

tuhan, pls give me the strength to let go if he's really not for me.
i really need to let go. help me to forget, to let go..

it's not mine.

i think this is when i shud stop.

birthdays

happy birthday ubuntu (fana. haha) !! ok this post would be dated as 16th may. i knoe ur birthday is 15th may. smlm dh wish kt ym. :D

and happy birthday to pijan jugak. happy anniversary.

it ANNOYS me.

One thing that i hate the most:

when i send someone emails/messages and that someone TAK REPLY.

i DO NOT like talking to myself.

who does anything without expecting a reply?

komunikasi itu penting dan memerlukan two-way.

dan kata orang, orang yang cakap sorang2 tu orang gila.

tak suka pijan.

marchh!

after so long. it's already marchh. and i just finished my mid-term test today. there's nothing much to watch on TV. Malaysian TV channels are busy with the coming election. propaganda di mana2. this year's election is like whoaa. (i do not know whether it's really whoaa or i just didnt care about election dulu2. hehe). so. for 2008 election. whats it gonna be for barisan nasional? just u wait for 8th march. enough about the election. pleasee i want real news on tv. haishh. it's not that i have anything against the election, but it's practically everywhere. newspapers, traffic lights, the cars on the highway, etc etc. i'm not into politics. period.

nak balik rumahh. giler lah. dah dua weekend tak balik.

updates for the last three weeks.
- was broken-hearted. cried several times. ngeh.
- financial planning talk
- went swimming
- line dancing (having high hopes to sign up for classes for this.)
- jalan2 di bukit tinggi (new jusco di klang)
- nyanyi2 sume lagu yg ada dlm mp3. i think i've memorized all the 59 songs. hehe

i really havent done much i think. ahah. oklah. bye.

when reality hits you.

another day in life. :)

hrm. yesterday was unexpected. not the day itself. but the events occurred. out of it, comes a question, how do you hold on to something which is uncertain? not only it is uncertain, it may also lead to kekecewaan, kehampaan, kesedihan, pembaziran masa dan usaha, dan ape2 lagi yang berkaitan. hehe.

how? bagaimana?

i know one definite answer, --> doa, usaha, istiqamah, tawakal. adakah ini bley diapply kepada jodoh? haa. that sounds wrong. hahah. tapi seriously. when it comes to that. how?

for this time of being, it really does not seem impossible. well. we haven't come to that point of time where we have to commit to something bigger. at least i don't think i am. it's just that it is out of fear that, that time to make that kind of decision arrives. what can be done? what is the right thing to choose? why do you have to choose pun? dua2 tak bley? ahaha.

in case you tak faham, this is a choice between people (outsiders) and dreams (money & wealth & success, and this one involves harapan keluarga). can those two come in pair? they can. but being realistic here, making choices means one has to be foregone, which is obvious. how can one let down his own family? *sighs*

but the point is, this choice has not even arrived in our hands pun. yet. and the question just now (again):

how to keep being motivated to hold on to this until that time comes (if it comes) where the said decision has to be made?

and the decision is most likely to favor the majority of people involved isn't it? I know..

I'm holding on to it becuz I do have hope left.. but not much..

To awk (how berterus-terang is that? ahah), "I do not know whether you realize how badly I wanted things to work out between us. But I can assure you it's as much as how badly you want to choose the other option. sy fhm awk taknak beriye takut kecewa.. tapi, mcm org kata.. nak seribu daya, taknak seribu dalih. ckp mmg senang, sy tau. ahah. tapi this is one of the things yg sy nak.. so just pls let's work it out. "

heart speaks.

i just love writing my posts with this song in the background. it just gives me the feeling of love, calmness, happiness, etc all at once. soothing indeed.

erm. today i've actually done something which i myself am not sure of the coming outcome. i do not know if it is considered as trying to force something out of one's will. it's just that lately i feel a bit left out. a bit forgotten. i did not intend to put pressure or to put blames. and it's not really because of i've turned into a sensitive freak. i just wanted him to communicate with me. i just wanted to feel that somehow i am somewhere in his life. although each argument we had just made things worst. but the thought that each time we argue would leave him thinking about us and the argument, it was satisfying enough. knowing that i'd be remembered. and it makes me happy that he still cares to fight. he still cares to fix things.

however, it's not working anymore. somehow i sense the coldness when we talk to each other lately. or when i decided to approach him online. and i no longer sense his excitement when he talks to me. no more feeling of closeness. maybe i pushed it too hard. i did.

therefore, i think i'm done forcing things. i really hope that he'd understand.

with the notes i wrote last night and today, i just wanted him to know that i want things to be like the old times. long before the recurring arguments. the warm feeling of knowing that we have each other. the relieve of knowing that we miss each other. i just miss those. i do.

accomplished.

he noticed. yeay. haha. but i'm not sure whether or not he read that particular post. if he hasn't,

"dear awk, please read the post titled 'a thought' below. i like those. that's why saya agak kecewa bila awk ckp awk dah delete pokok tuh! the pokok was supposed to be a gift. to show appreciation. haih.."

ahah. i know, i know. this is somewhat a desperate way to get attention. but, geeez. sangat susah to get him to understand what i want, which basically what every other girl wants pun. being thoughtful once in a while won't hurt. it's simple things that keep things alive, at least that's what i think.

just now he asked have i read 'men are from mars women are from venus'. i assume he was trying to imply that we have too much differences. assumption only. sbb the book basically lists differences between men and women kan? i know becuz sehah has read the book. or am i summarizing a wrong book here?

anyway, i hope he's not mad reading this or the other post. cuz thats what we practically do these days. being mad at each other. hehe. it's just a thought. and i love pleasant surprises (in case you haven't noticed).

this is just one part of my life. the other part is still yet to be resolved. it's quite confusing kan reading my posts? one minute i'm like one perempuan gila who is cenderung to commit suicide. the other minute then suddenly all happy2. well. i am trying very hard to maintain my yin & yang here.

as for MICPA exam, i still can't figure out whether it's in yin or yang. :)

a thought.

i want short notes telling me that i'm being missed.
or anything to show that i'm part of his life.
i want flowers.
i want gifts.
nevermind if they aren't real.
because they matter.
to me that is.
i need those to help me get through.
i'm needy.
and i need to know.

i want him. he who is sensible enough to show he cares, he remembers.

ps: hoping that a certain someone might read this and not misunderstand. please.