within.

i need to learn not to give too much.

i need to.
i need to.

when reality hits you.

another day in life. :)

hrm. yesterday was unexpected. not the day itself. but the events occurred. out of it, comes a question, how do you hold on to something which is uncertain? not only it is uncertain, it may also lead to kekecewaan, kehampaan, kesedihan, pembaziran masa dan usaha, dan ape2 lagi yang berkaitan. hehe.

how? bagaimana?

i know one definite answer, --> doa, usaha, istiqamah, tawakal. adakah ini bley diapply kepada jodoh? haa. that sounds wrong. hahah. tapi seriously. when it comes to that. how?

for this time of being, it really does not seem impossible. well. we haven't come to that point of time where we have to commit to something bigger. at least i don't think i am. it's just that it is out of fear that, that time to make that kind of decision arrives. what can be done? what is the right thing to choose? why do you have to choose pun? dua2 tak bley? ahaha.

in case you tak faham, this is a choice between people (outsiders) and dreams (money & wealth & success, and this one involves harapan keluarga). can those two come in pair? they can. but being realistic here, making choices means one has to be foregone, which is obvious. how can one let down his own family? *sighs*

but the point is, this choice has not even arrived in our hands pun. yet. and the question just now (again):

how to keep being motivated to hold on to this until that time comes (if it comes) where the said decision has to be made?

and the decision is most likely to favor the majority of people involved isn't it? I know..

I'm holding on to it becuz I do have hope left.. but not much..

To awk (how berterus-terang is that? ahah), "I do not know whether you realize how badly I wanted things to work out between us. But I can assure you it's as much as how badly you want to choose the other option. sy fhm awk taknak beriye takut kecewa.. tapi, mcm org kata.. nak seribu daya, taknak seribu dalih. ckp mmg senang, sy tau. ahah. tapi this is one of the things yg sy nak.. so just pls let's work it out. "

hari ini saya rasa kosong.
dan sedih.
saya putus asa. :)

benci.

di bulan yg ke-6.

atas ni is the picture of us. 6 of the 10 trainees for my batch. lagi 4 kt another division. so yg duduk tu is En Hamid Mahmood. A man who is already in his 50's. hehe. ske2 hati jer btau umur org. anyway, at the back from left is;

julia, me, alin, sya, mar and adie. (eherrrmm)

overall, i LOVE alin n cak. haha. they hv been such great companions during confusion, ketidakpuashatian, kelaparan, lunch, breakfast, OT, jalan-jalan di klcc dan pelbagai aktiviti harian.

so, my internship is gonna end very soon. i think my last day would be this friday. but i'm not sure myself either. the one thing i'd miss most is, talking to vendors. seriously. they're like great people to talk to. the ones yg bengong of course. mereka2 seperti norita (panah jaya), kak zah (bumi wangsa), yvonne (kinsajasa), hassan basri (optimum. <-- haha. bes ke ckp dgn dia? ;p) . i'd miss talking to KSB folks (En. Mahadi) too. tapi dah agak lama pn tak berhubung.. then i'll miss the contract staffs --> k.ihan, k.fuzah, k.sally, nazri, azmil, dan lain2, abg dino, mra, staffs in the neighboring division (k.lina yg blanje nasik lemakk. hehe), helpdesk people, akak2 cleaner, makcik2 yg selalu bersembang di surau sambil make-up.. ahaha. i'll miss those. secara am nya, i'm gonna miss the people and the working culture.

eyhh chupp. i WILL miss farah definitely. the coolest boss. whenever she speaks, she is sooo.. calm and collected. although dia cuma nk ckp, 'I haven't come out with the figures.. yet. But I should be getting the numbers.. soon' which from my personal point of view ayat itu bermaksud saya tidak berjaya meng'meet' dateline utk memberikan figure2 tersebut. hahaha. but somehow she managed to make it sound tidak bersalah dan masih dapat mengekalkan reputasi. salute.

but i surely do not miss sorting out material discrepancy issues. haha. akan rindu buat purchase order tak yer? hurm.. tak sure sbb belum ckup lama utk rasa bosan or anything.. hehe. oh lagi satu akan dirindu! exxon's makan-makan events! haha. EPMI serious banyak event makan-makan. :D

haha i know some people who might be bored enough to read this are clueless of wht i'm merepek-ing about since i did not provide you with basic ideas what is exactly the job that i'm doing as a trainee at ExxonMobil. sadly, mmg takkan diprovide kan pun sbb it's ending. very soon. haha. if i created this blog 5 months ago, then mayb ade sedikit penceritaan. tapi disbbkan cm sgt baru.. so takdelahh. hehe. but i had a bad day at work today though. not with the work. but with the org2 yg sungguh inconsiderate. gila (dzue's tone).

heeeeeeeeeee. nanti tak payah bangun pagi dah! (for two weeks at least.. ;p)

p/s: later i'm going to put up some more pictures. with Mus and Farah in it. or perhaps with MFH too! :)) . gambar with En.Hamid dipublish lebih awl sbb he's already on leave starting today til the 20th. so the picture was taken last friday.

still.

I am thinking it's a sign
That the freckles in our eyes
Are mirror images
And when we kiss they're perfectly aligned

And I have to speculate
That God Himself did make
Us into corresponding shapes
Like puzzle pieces from the clay

And true it may seem like a stretch
But it's thoughts like this that catch
My troubled head when you're away
When I am missing you to death

When you are out there on the road
For several weeks of shows
And when you scan the radio
I hope this song will guide you home

They will see us waving from such great heights
"Come down now" they'll say
But everything looks perfect from far away
"Come down now" but we'll stay

I've tried my best to leave
This all on your machine
But the persistent beat
It sounded thin upon the sending

And that frankly will not fly
You'll hear the shrillest highs
And lowest lows with the windows down
And this is guiding you home

i am feeling lonely.

Mr. Magorium.

hello blog.
so i've watched the movie. most fav quote from it, 'he dies.'
a willy-wonka-like movie. willy wonka owns a chocolate factory, while he owns a toy shop. pardon me. a magical toy shop.

from the movie, i've learned that one day i'm going to be a 'counter-mutant'. haha. (only those who have watched wud understand this.)
sadly, i am very mengantuk to make a review of it. so, i'll leave it til tomorrow perhaps?
like anyone's reading this.

p.s: i got the book! kinokuniya rocks. :D

exam related.

herm. i have to admit. saya belum merasa terdesak untuk menghabiskan pembelajaran taxation ini. am i giving up? no. i'm just, i dunno. haha. how am i gonna finish studying the manual, the text, the past yrs, the notes, all in less than 48 hrs? sounds scary. haa. bored bored borringgg.

heart speaks.

i just love writing my posts with this song in the background. it just gives me the feeling of love, calmness, happiness, etc all at once. soothing indeed.

erm. today i've actually done something which i myself am not sure of the coming outcome. i do not know if it is considered as trying to force something out of one's will. it's just that lately i feel a bit left out. a bit forgotten. i did not intend to put pressure or to put blames. and it's not really because of i've turned into a sensitive freak. i just wanted him to communicate with me. i just wanted to feel that somehow i am somewhere in his life. although each argument we had just made things worst. but the thought that each time we argue would leave him thinking about us and the argument, it was satisfying enough. knowing that i'd be remembered. and it makes me happy that he still cares to fight. he still cares to fix things.

however, it's not working anymore. somehow i sense the coldness when we talk to each other lately. or when i decided to approach him online. and i no longer sense his excitement when he talks to me. no more feeling of closeness. maybe i pushed it too hard. i did.

therefore, i think i'm done forcing things. i really hope that he'd understand.

with the notes i wrote last night and today, i just wanted him to know that i want things to be like the old times. long before the recurring arguments. the warm feeling of knowing that we have each other. the relieve of knowing that we miss each other. i just miss those. i do.

kalah.

surrendering.

accomplished.

he noticed. yeay. haha. but i'm not sure whether or not he read that particular post. if he hasn't,

"dear awk, please read the post titled 'a thought' below. i like those. that's why saya agak kecewa bila awk ckp awk dah delete pokok tuh! the pokok was supposed to be a gift. to show appreciation. haih.."

ahah. i know, i know. this is somewhat a desperate way to get attention. but, geeez. sangat susah to get him to understand what i want, which basically what every other girl wants pun. being thoughtful once in a while won't hurt. it's simple things that keep things alive, at least that's what i think.

just now he asked have i read 'men are from mars women are from venus'. i assume he was trying to imply that we have too much differences. assumption only. sbb the book basically lists differences between men and women kan? i know becuz sehah has read the book. or am i summarizing a wrong book here?

anyway, i hope he's not mad reading this or the other post. cuz thats what we practically do these days. being mad at each other. hehe. it's just a thought. and i love pleasant surprises (in case you haven't noticed).

this is just one part of my life. the other part is still yet to be resolved. it's quite confusing kan reading my posts? one minute i'm like one perempuan gila who is cenderung to commit suicide. the other minute then suddenly all happy2. well. i am trying very hard to maintain my yin & yang here.

as for MICPA exam, i still can't figure out whether it's in yin or yang. :)

ill.

woke up with runny nose and 'pau' eyes. (mata sembab. hehe)
gr-reat.
didnt get to talk to him last night though.
wanted to call dzue. but i'm afraid she's on duty.

felt like my heart is gonna come out. my eyes too. literally.
i need to escape.

current emotion: not ok.

p.s: fariq, mmg aku jiwa kacau pun. u got that one right.

rayuan kolej.

the third post for today. wheeeeeeeeeeee. haha. just got back from UiTM terchenta. went there with cak to send in our appeal for kolej. ngeh. i just can't believe i had just submitted the appeal letter which i wrote this:

3. Sebab utama saya ingin memohon kemudahan kolej ialah, sukar bagi saya untuk mencari kediaman di luar universiti (rumah sewa) memandangkan kos hidup yang tinggi. Saya juga tidak mempunyai kenderaan sendiri untuk berulang-alik dari rumah ke kelas. Untuk menggunakan pengangkutan awam juga tidak sesuai bagi saya memandangkan keadaan lalu lintas yang terlampau sesak di kawasan Subang Jaya pada waktu pagi dan ini mungkin akan menyebabkan kelewatan bagi kelas-kelas di sebelah pagi.

haha. even if i'm in kolej. i was never really early for classes. just imagine if i were to get to class from home. mind my tatabahasa ok. sudah lama tidak menulis bahasa melayu dgn skema. still. am proud of myself cuz i'm still able to produce a surat rasmi.

hopefully permohonan akan diluluskan! i know there are so many other competitors for me who are from other states with lower salary and all. but hey. i still think that i deserve to stay in kolej ok. i do not get pocket money from my parents. so i only have rm450 for everything. practically everything. and i'm appealing for kolej just the way everyone does. so i'm playing fair and square here. plus, i dun mind sharing rooms. so ppl, if your application get rejected, do come and see me. we can nego and see if i can let you share the room with me. itupun kalau I dapat lah kan. hahaha.

UiTM di hatiku. :)

a thought.

i want short notes telling me that i'm being missed.
or anything to show that i'm part of his life.
i want flowers.
i want gifts.
nevermind if they aren't real.
because they matter.
to me that is.
i need those to help me get through.
i'm needy.
and i need to know.

i want him. he who is sensible enough to show he cares, he remembers.

ps: hoping that a certain someone might read this and not misunderstand. please.

with me

I don't want this moment, to ever end,
Where everything's nothing, without you.
I'll wait here forever just to, to see you smile,
Cause it's true, I am nothing without you.

Through it all, I made my mistakes.
I stumble and fall,
But I mean these words.

I want you to know, with everything I won't let this go.
These words are my heart and soul,
I hold on to this moment you know.
Cause I'd bleed my heart out to show, that I won't let go.

Thoughts read are spoken, forever in doubt.
And pieces of memories fall to the ground.
I know what I did and so, I won't let this go.
Cause it's true, I am nothing without you.

All the streets, where I walked alone,
With nowhere to go.
Have come to an end.

In front of your eyes, it falls from the skies,
When you don't know what you're looking to find.
In front of your eyes, it falls from the skies,
When you just never know what you will find.

good to know if ever someone is like this towards us. kan?
how sweet.

Premiere.

see. i'm back to writing blogs. probably because i have the time. plenty of it. (well. not really, considering my MICPA exam is next week). or maybe i just wanted to talk. for the past few weeks i was (and still am) hooked to facebook. facebook. i'm gonna get sumone to change the password of my facebook account for a while.

hrm. so what hv i been up to lately? besides going to work, urm.. nothing. but currently, my head is working hard trying to figure out what should i do after i finish my degree. i'm thinking of doing acca. but there's no way i'm going to do it in uitm. (tgk2 nanti kt situ jugak. haha). but seriously. i need new environment. new faces. or maybe i should get a job. but i don't think being an auditor sounds fun. what else can i do with degree in accounting? ideas anyone? being a buyer (does purchasing) is not bad either. but, it's quite administrative. agak tak berkembang in other words. or maybe a period of 6 months is not enough for me to really capture the art of purchasing.

future is not worth discussing. ngeh. who knows what will happen tomorrow kan? ;p